Freedom is Cancelled

It’s all over, folks. Fold up the flag. Cancel the July 4th cookouts. Freedom had a good run.

For generations, we were told America stood tall because brave men and women died for our freedoms. We put “freedom” on bumper stickers, launched wars over it, and insisted terrorists hated us for it. We even stockpiled guns in defense of our freedoms.

But now? Freedom died the way liberty always does: in the geriatric grip of an 80-year-old Congresswoman who needs help opening jars.

It wasn’t tanks or tyrants that ended the American experiment—it was a woman old enough to remember rotary phones, miraculously slamming an ICE agent into a fine red mist.

I know what everyone is thinking. Our veterans died for our freedoms. Why would we so quickly give them up?

Give me liberty or save me from grannies.

— Patrick Henry

I’ll tell you why. A wrinkled beast in orthopedic sneakers. America is plagued by a great terror and its name is octogenarian Congresswomen. One eldery woman’s signature WCW wrestling move alone is reason enough to crosscut-shred the Constitution, burn the shreds, lock arms behind the President, and abandon more liberty than North Korea.

Let’s not mince words. According to the Department of Homeland Security’s beacon of honesty and calm, Tricia McLaughlin, this silver-haired street fighter “body-slammed” an ICE agent. Not metaphorically. Not verbally. Not in an impassioned speech on the House floor. No, she went full steel-cage smackdown. The kind of move you can only learn after decades of chairing subcommittees and outlasting C-SPAN.

Now, I know some of you may point out that she was merely pushed into the agent by another agent, as though that in any way takes away from the righteous fury that was unleashed by falling. Some might say Osama Bin Laden also started killing Americans because he was pushed.

You may even have heard some terrorist suggest that those who would trade essential liberty for temporary safety deserve neither.

However, the DHS spokeswoman is right. We’re all out of options. Naturally, the only rational response is to abandon every legal safeguard we’ve ever held dear. Then round up elected officials without warrants whom administration officials already wanted put in a cell for the high crime of disagreeing, throw sacks over their heads, and cart them off to Libya. Preferably in a cargo hold next to our last shreds of due process and our mockery of habeas corpus.

Because what choice do we have? Are we going to let these Congressional UFC fighters roam free, assaulting ICE agents with their brittle but righteous fury? Can you imagine the chaos?

Our ICE agents—those poor, muscular, tactically trained twenty-somethings. They are the true victims here. They are simply no match for the osteoporosis-powered rage of a woman who remembers when milk was delivered in glass bottles. We must act now, before Bingo night turns into the next January 6.

Liberty had a good run. But once the orthopedic boot drops, it’s all over.

Once the ferocious grannies are gone… only then can we focus on the next menace. Of course, I’m referring to the two-year old terror US Citizens who practically rupture ICE agent eardrums with their crying and screaming as they’re chained to their airplane seats.